As most of you are aware, driving is one of the many things that you really need to learn to get by in life. If you can't drive, you can't use drive thrus, go to work, or get laid on dates. So naturally, I decided I had to learn to drive. I bugged my parents forever to take me to the DMV and finally they gave in. Upon arriving at the DMV, I realized it may be the most important, amazing moment in my awesome-yet-still-too-young-to-realize-how-worse-it-gets life yet. My reaction varied incredibly from the reality, a problem I apparently have often.
i have no funny subtitle for this, so I'll just write:
Bear meat suitcase
Once I entered, I took the test as quickly as I could, filling in the answers fast because I'd studied so much the previous weeks. I aced the written, and was now moving to the actual driving portion. When I passed, I was ecstatic. The entire world seemed to open up around me. Birds were singing, flowers were blooming, old people were....oldpeopleizing. I quickly moved onto the next part of what I realized I needed a car. I was a 16 year old boy, and I needed to take girls out, as is the norm. There was this girl at my school named Michelle. I have rendered here a very accurate drawing, in crappy paint form.
this was back before I had taste
So I realized now I could drive, I could finally ask her out, and my life would be as awesome as all my friends. I knew she would say yes, because I'd asked her before, but me not having a car was what was holding me back. So I went to her after class one day and told her that I had gotten my permit and that we should have a date. She completely agreed. That's when I realized the fatal flaw in my plan. Yes, I had a permit. I didn't have a CAR. I begged my dad to let me use his car but he just told me no. I begged my mom, she told me no. I went to my older brother, who told me I couldn't use his car, but that he would get me a rental car. I was okay with this. So we went to the rental car place, and he rented out the cheapest, most inefficient car I believe has ever been seen by the human eye.
this is not a car. it's a death trap.
Upon viewing the car, I realized that it was not a "let's go on a nice date" car, it was a "please get into it so I can rape you" car. I could NOT drive it, but being as it was the only one that his insurance could afford, it was my only option. So Friday night came. There I was, me and my rape mobile, sitting outside of a girls house, in clothing that probably would've made me look like a nazi and a communist had a baby. I have the fashion sense of a semi retarded, half blind, bipolar, schizophrenic japanese woman with down syndrome. Finally, after a few awkward moments of being watched by her father, she came racing out and seemed fine with my rental car. She got in and we drove off onto our date night. The first problem I noticed was that the car was LOUD. We were pretty much shouting at one another during the drive, and I'm not even sure we were having the same conversation.
Eventually, we stopped to get some food, and when she was in the bathroom, I realized this entire date had become a disaster. I didn't know what to do. Should I just bail, like my dad always talked about, or should I just stick it out and hope she feels pity for me for having such a crappy car? I decided to just take her home and apologize for the evening. On the way to her house, an event occurred that changed the entire night. I hit a dog, and killed it. I went to get out and check, and that's when I realized that I could salvage this night. She liked that I cared about hitting a dog. She found that attractive, and I knew I could use this. I pulled the dog off to the side of the road, and then went about my work of finding some way that I could somehow show her I'm a caring person. Somehow, my twisted mind came up with this explanation:
You hit a dog+she likes that you care=
hit more dogs.
Over the next few weeks, I made sure to hit anything and everything that I could while driving in that rental car. When she saw the blood on the car, she'd always ask if the animal was ok, and I'd tell her "No, but I tried to make it's last few minutes peaceful." Somehow, killing animals had gained me a hot girlfriend. I'm not sure which one of us was more fucked up for this. Anyway, my favorite part of this entire story is none of the above, in fact, it was the day I took the car back to the rental place.
That guy ran away so fast.
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